The blog that Ryan started

Cracker Barrel Vegetables

2009-04-13T08:46:00.001-07:00

I think that Cracker Barrel has the best tasting vegetables in the world. I think they soak their carrots in maple syrup or something, but they are delicious -- stupendously delicious in comparison to other vegetables. Anytime a vegetable tastes kind of like a cinnamon roll, you know you're on the right track.

I started reading back that last paragraph, and begun to wonder if carrot was really a vegetable, or one of those foods that you think is a vegetable but is really a fruit, or vice versa. Like, I think a tomato is really a fruit or something. There are others like that, I'm sure. I don't really remember what the qualifications are to be classified as "fruit" and what it takes to be classified as "vegetable". Whatever. I hope I find out that something really tasty like a Zebra Cake is, indeed, a vegetable, and that I should be eating 4-6 of them a day....

Clocks and pens

2009-03-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that our house like five different clocks in it. This got me to thinking, "when have I ever purchased a clock?" I've can't remember any time that I have ever bought a clock, and I've never been given a clock as a gift, so that only leads me to one conclusion -- that over the course of my life, I have evidently stolen a handful of clocks.

We have a number of pens, too, but at least those usually tell you where you stole them from. It will have the name of the hotel or church or wherever written on the side of them. That's smart. It gives you a good indication of who has the right to bust into your house and steal their writing materials back from you.

Speaking of pens, I remember when my church back in Florida went to order a whole slew of new pens for the sanctuary. We wanted to have the church's name written on the side of the pens, and have the writing and the ink inside of the pen be the color "kelly green." Unfortunately, the stupid pen-making company didn't follow the directions very well, and we got a huge order of pens with the words "kelly green" written on the side. I thought it was kind of funny, but I guess it's not quite as funny when it's all written out. Whatever. This blog is free, so stop complaining...

The Magic Triangle and Mayonnaise Jars

2009-03-02T06:46:00.000-08:00

I go to Wal-Mart a lot. There is always one nearby, and they have basically everything in the world one could want and/or need. Sometimes, I have to buy a whole bunch of stuff, but my favorite is the quick trips for one to three items. Anytime I buy exactly three items, I call this "The Magic Triangle." I always wonder to myself if anyone else in the history of Wal-Mart purchasing has bought these exact three items. Sure, when I have to get milk, bread, and eggs, I'm sure there's not a lot of "magic" there and tons of other patrons have built this specific triangle, but what about last night's purchase? The not-so-common baby carrots, contact solution, and Reese's Peanut Butter cups triangle? Maybe I'm the first ever....

On an unrelated note, I helped Brandi's grandmother move this weekend. It is very odd and slightly uncomfortable to be perusing through someone else's attic for several hours on end. It kind of ramps up the relationship to an artificial level, and I found myself making some negative comments to myself about the belongings that had been kept. I mean, who needs this many umbrellas and old mayonnaise jars? I started to become irritated, but then I realized that Brandi's grandmother would probably be confused by my attic "crap" too. There is a lot of old ethernet cables, piles of baby clothes, and an original Nintendo. I guess she'd rather have the old mayonnaise jars then play Legend of Zelda. Whatever.

"Like Father, Like Son".... "13 going on 30"....

2009-02-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

Birthday time!

I’m turning 31, which really isn’t that big of a deal, until you starting thinking, “hey, I’m closer to 40 than I am to 20.” I’m closer to middle age than I am to my (not so) cool, hip college years. Yikes. When I was 16, I thought 20 was really old. And then I got to be 20, and I said no, 30 is really old. But now that I’m 31, I don’t know where the “old” line is drawn, but I think I’m close. I guess what defines to me that I’m old is this:

Anytime you see a movie where -- through a mysterious science experiment going wrong -- two people’s brains are transposed into each other bodies, there is usually one “younger” person and one “older person”. I am now at the point in life where I would no longer ever be the “younger” body person. I would always be the “older” body person. No one would pay 12 bucks to see my brain in a 50 year old body, but they might pony up the cash to see a movie where my brain is switched with a 15-year old….well, if it had a good supporting cast, I mean.

Postal service man is missing

2009-02-18T13:43:00.001-08:00

Our work mailman didn't show up today. I guess the old saying, "Whether rain or sleet, or snow or whatever" doesn't include days when it's a little windy and kind of overcast. Lazy bum. Aren't there like substitute mailmen or something that step in when regular ol' smelly mailman decides not to come to work? sheesh.

Also, Brandi likes American Idol. I, however, do not. I don't like TV shows that drag things out for five weeks that could be completed in like two minutes. I was working on something else last night, but in the background, I could hear four or five of the contestants singing. I can already tell that none of them should win, but no, Fox wants you to keep tuning in so they can kick people off one by one. This is stupid.

I did decide, however, that next time I need to hire someone here at work, I will bring in all of the applicants and begin to whittle down the list "Reality Show Style". That means all the applicants have to stand in a line side by side, while I go down the list explaining the high points and low points of each individual before eliminating one with lots of unnecessary pauses... "Theresa, your.....typing skills were........ good, but you don't...........have......much work.......experience.......I'm sorry, you didn't make the staff. Please pack your calculator and leave the office immediately.

Valentine's Day!

2009-02-16T09:25:00.000-08:00

A couple of random thoughts...

My wife Brandi was slightly perturbed at me on Valentine's Day. Nothing major, but while we were getting ready to go to our church's Valentine's Day Banquet, I flipped on the TV and started watching "The Godfather". Evidently, she didn't think that "The Godfather" was an appropriate movie to set the mood for romance. Whatever. If it wasn't supposed to be watched on Valentine's Day, then why would the TV have it showing? Come on, Brandi, when has television ever been wrong?

Second, I have a couple pair of jeans that have been "in the rotation" for a few years now, and they are beginning to show a few signs of age. They aren't getting ratty or anything, they just look like jeans someone bought in 2005 instead of 2009. So now I'm faced with the ongoing battle of cheapness versus attempted coolness, and it appears that 31 is the age (for me at least) that cheapness finally defeats coolness once and for all. I am fully aware that a pair or two of my jeans are not awesomely fashionable anymore, but I'm now more cheap than I am concerned about being cool. I would have guessed that this would have been later for me -- 34, maybe 35 -- but who knew? Coolness, you put up a good fight, but in the end, cheap was too powerful.

Proof that the world needs money

2009-02-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

I love craigslist. It’s like an online flea market where everyone in the world is trying to get rid of their crap in the hopes that some other sucker out there is in the market for the exact same crap. Yeah, certain things like cars and sporting tickets and furniture may be reasonable to put up for “bid”, but certain items (old underwear, Reader’s Digest from 10 years ago) really have no value and should just be discarded. No need to let the world know that you have trouble letting go….

My favorite section on craigslist is the “barter” category. This is for people who refuse to accept money back in return for their goods and services. No, they would rather participate in a pre-Mesopotamian system of exchanging goods to a second party who feels the exact same intrinsic value in the item of their furnishing. I know, that seems a little more complex, but whatever. So, for as an example, if you need math tutoring for your son, you may offer finger nail clippings of famous celebrities that have visited the salon where you are employed (an actual offer in craigslist). Or, you could offer to trade your fish aquarium for one of the following: (1) a Yorkshire terrier puppy, or (2) a hand gun. Yes, that one is real too! I think the guy who wants a puppy or a hand gun is not the guy I want to barter with right now. It sounds like he has some things to work on first…

2 Random things

2009-01-27T13:01:00.000-08:00

I don't know why it took me 30+ years to realize it, but "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and the "ABC" song have the same melody. I didn't know that. I was singing them to Audrey back-to-back, and the light went off in my head. I guess that's just something you never really realize until you sit down and think about it. Or, maybe everyone else in the world already did realize that, and I'm just slow when it comes to "Melodies of Famous Children's Songs".

Second, I just got a Friend Request on Facebook from my wife's grandmother. I knew Facebook was getting ready to "jump the shark", but i think this officially confirmed it for me. I don't know exactly what the new internetty-social friending-network thing is called nowadays, but I'm just dang sure that there's something newer and cooler out there now that middle school kids are connecting with. And I'm sure I'll find out about it just about the time it gets stale, and then my wife's grandmother will find out about it shortly after.

Itunes Trolls

2009-01-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

I leave my Itunes on most of the day here at work, and just throw the thing on "shuffle" and let it ride. There's about 4,000 songs in there, so I'm usually good for a "No Repeat Workday". I've got a little bit of everthing in there, so sometimes it's Ben Folds, sometimes it's David Crowder, sometimes it's Steve Miller Band, sometimes it's whatever... you know? Brandi has a couple of CD's on the iPod as well, so every once in a while I have to sit through some Janet Jackson or something else that i really don't enjoy. But whatever, it's cool...

What i don't understand, though, is how the little trolls that live inside my Itunes decide what they are going to select next. I swear that today, they all got together and said, "Hey, flood today's playlist with Madonna and other crap that Ryan doesn't like." I didn't even know I had a Madonna song on my Itunes, much less twenty different ones that all sound the same and terrible. Okay, "Lucky Star" isn't bad, but I don't like much else. But, would it kill them to throw in some Killers or Radiohead or even some Journey now and again?

Top Gun was good, but I still don't care for you....

2009-01-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

I really don't like Tom Cruise much. he seems a nice enough fellow, but all that scientology stuff really bothers me.... maybe i'm just overly skeptical, but i have a hard time buying into a religion that (1) was created/inspired/developed by a science-fiction writer, and (2) that costs $300,000. This is the potential cost to individual members to take all the church's courses and auditing sessions in order to climb the Bridge to Terabithia, I mean, the "Bridge to Total Freedom."

I didn't really know much about scientology until the last couple of days when I started digging into it a bit. here's what i found:
Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack. Now, Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation, so he had a plan. Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists, he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers). These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.
The story doesn't end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a "thetan" in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper). After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge movie theaters. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called "implanting". When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.
As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today. I got some Rayovac batteries for Christmas, and those things were terrible, so it had to be some kind of mega-battery that is much better than Rayovac. Whatever.
And so today everyone is full of these clusters of souls called "body thetans". And if we are to be a free soul then we have to remove all these "body thetans" and pay lots of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God and Christ was because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago. I guess it's kind of like how I can never "unsee" the movie Coneheads...

That's the stuff you get as a Level III Scientologist, or whatever it's called. You're not supposed to get that until you've worked your way up the Scientology ladder. I just saved you each $300,000. I take checks.

Revive, Focus, Power

2008-12-15T11:07:00.000-08:00

Our office refrigerator is stocked with Vitamin Water. It’s great, because it’s free and relatively good for you. Plus, it’s not that far from my office. Anyway, the great thing about Vitamin Water is that their flavors aren’t named “Grape” or “Cherry” or anything, but by whatever the Vitamin Water people belive that specific drink concoction provides you. There’s one called “Energy” and one called “Revive” and one called “Focus” and a couple of other types, too. It’s great, because now I can make a decision about what I want to drink without being bogged down by such meaningless things like “flavor” or “taste.”

There is one flavor, though, that I never drink. Its name is “Essential”, and to me, that would imply that this drink would be extremely necessary or vital to my everyday life. However, I was getting along just fine before I even knew about “Essential”, so I just made an executive decision to stay away. I don’t drink things that are so clearly mis-named. That’s just not smart fluid intake.

Crappy Guitar Mall

2008-12-12T10:55:00.001-08:00

Hadn't written in awhile. Actually, I had forgotten my password, it's been so long. whatever...

I was in Opry Mills Mall the other day. You know, the big mall that is roughly shaped like a guitar. I don’t really know why they made the mall in that shape – I mean, obviously someone thought it would be cute and kinda folksy to make a guitar-shaped mall in Nashville, but come on. For one (1), you can’t really tell it’s shaped like a guitar when you are inside it. You can probably only tell this if you are in a helicopter or hot-air balloon or something. Two, (2) it’s not really that close to being shaped like a guitar – it’s just kind of a big circle at the one end and then, a buncha stores stick out the other end toward the movie theater And three (3), who cares. I doubt there has ever been a discussion as to which mall to go to that Person One said, “well, this mall has a Baby Gap,” and then Person Two was like, “Oh yeah, this mall is shaped like a guitar” and Person Two won the argument.

Fake Photographic memory

2008-11-12T06:23:00.000-08:00

I think one of the most overused terms is "photographic memory." I've heard all sorts of my friends and acquaintances and folks saying about themselves, "oh, I've got a photographic memory."

Well, that's garbage. I've never heard any of you recite pi to a hundred decimal places or recite the phone book or something. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've seen every one of you forget something or misremember it at some point in time. Hmm.. maybe the fact that I remember that you have forgotten something means that I have a photographic memory...

So you think you have a photographic memory, huh? What did Brandi and I wear on our wedding day, respectively?

Did you say a white dress for Brandi, and black tuxedo for me?

Lucky guess....

Stupid things about October 31

2008-10-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

I think the worst Halloween decoration ever is the garbage bag that looks like a pumpkin. You know, it’s just a regular trashbag, but it’s all orange and has a jack-o’-lantern face on the side. Big deal. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Man, look at that guy’s garbage. He really likes Halloween.”

The Business of business

2008-10-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

I have this stamp at work that says “Posted” on it. If certain items of a work-related nature have been posted, then you stamp “Posted” on them. Pretty simple, I guess. In theory, the reasons for using said stamp are as follows: (a) to save time from having to write the word “Posted” onto things, (b) create some sort of uniformity, and (c) to validate the purchase of the stamp in question.

I’m not sure how the “Posted” stamp is an appropriate use of company money and time when I spend fifteen minutes looking for it everyday because it always falls off my desk where I can’t see it, or I forget to put the toppy thing back on it and it dries all out.

Once again, I prove myself to be a lame-o

2008-10-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

I know my “cool-ness” is dwindling away. I can’t pass for twenty-something anymore. I’m definitely thirty-something now. Dang it.

I was walking through Circuit City the other day with a buddy of mine, and I didn’t know who a number of the “Hot New Artists” were that were featured in their “New CD” section. Strike one.

I don’t even shop at the cool mall stores much anymore. Most of my crummy clothes come from Target. I think I would feel ridiculous if I walked into an Abercrombie and Fitch. And what’s worse, I don’t even know if Abercrombie and Fitch is still cool. Strike two.

But the worst is that the other day, I was flipping through the channels on TV and some song came on I really liked, and I thought to myself, “Awesome. It’s good to know that I still like the stuff on MTV,” and then a few seconds later, I realized I was tuned into VH1. Strike Three.

Tongue and Beek

2008-10-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

One of the advantages of having an all male office is that we now have two men’s restrooms. You would think that we might designate one a “Number One” bathroom and one a “Number Two” bathroom, but our office never had that discussion. Really, it’s more as if each worker has determined in his own mind which bathroom is his favorite, and proceeds to use that particular one when necessary.

I, on the other hand, have had a hard time choosing. The bathrooms are identicial, except for the artwork. The first bathroom, which has a painting by someone name Greg Van Beek, is closer to my office by like four steps, so I probably use that one a little more often. But sometimes, I like the second bathroom, which has an equally boring painting by someone named Nancy Tongue, because I don’t want to show favoritism. I don’t know if that’s crazy or not, but that’s how I roll. I would hate to have Nancy Tongue make a surprise appearance at our office and get really offended because I’ve only been using the Greg Van Beek bathroom, or vice versa.

Red Dragon

2008-10-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have a decent job. In truth, it’s a pretty good job. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with a great opportunity at a growing company, and have found myself in a position that I actually manage a handful of other employees. Regrettably, my cheapness and casual fondness for Dave Ramsey may be compromising my authority.

Here’s the dilemma: all of my underlings – er, employees – have much nicer vehicles than mine. I drive a stinkin’ 2001 Ford Escort with no air conditioning. Good ol' Red Dragon, as I like to call it. Dave (Ramsey) is forcing me to not buy something nicer, which in theory is all well and good, but it doesn’t help me at work when my employees are snickering at me when I come in to the office all hot and sweaty. No good at all. I just have this feeling that one day, I’ll have a conversation like this:

Me: “Hey Greg, I need you to complete this special project for me. As your superior, I have the authority and responsibility to make sure you complete this task.”
Greg: “Um, sorry Ryan. Can’t do. Your car sucks, and I’ve lost all respect for you.”
Me: “Um, okay.”

Darn you, Dave Ramsey.

Not in my mid to upper twenties anymore....

2008-10-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

I can tell that I am getting older. Not just by the increasing number of grey hairs, but by my general surliness as well. And my choice of cereal.

I was in the breakfast aisle at Kroger the other day, looking for my current favorite cereal: Raisin Nut Bran. It’s really good, I recommend you try it sometime. Anyway, I looked up and down the shelves like three or four times and couldn’t find it (maybe a sign that my eyesight is getting bad too?), so I asked the worker lady to help me.

“Do you guys still sell Raisin Nut Bran?” I asked the lady.
“Hmm… which one is that?” I would have thought that the name itself would be enough clue, but evidently not.
“It’s the one with bran flakes and raisins and nuts in it.” I was a bit grouchy already. “The box is kind of yellow, or brown.”
“I don’t know, let me see…” so the lady starts to try to help me, but of course she’s worthless. “I see Grape Nuts and All-Bran,” she tells me, but that makes me even more upset. Finally, after about twenty seconds of looking with her, I get all mad and just go, “baaaah” and make this really old man-ish sound and wave my hand and walk away in disgust. Something I probably wouldn’t have done five years ago, but whatever.

I went and found Brandi in some other aisle and told her, “They don’t sell Raisin Nut Bran anymore. I hate this place. It’s run by communists.” Of course, she goes back and finds the Raisin Nut Bran in like three seconds, but that’s not the point….

The first of many posts

2008-10-10T05:37:00.000-07:00

Hey.

As I was driving home from work yesterday, I was scanning through the radio stations looking for something that I could find at least half-way enjoyable. I stopped it on that song "Walking in Memphis" by that guy who's name I can't remember right now, and I thought to myself, "yeah, this song is okay. I'll listen to it."

Fast forward two minutes, and I've got the windows down, and I am singing "Walking in Memphis" pretty loudly to myself, now thoroughly enjoying the song and acting as if -- dang, it -- these lyrics mean something to me. I've got some real gusto going on, and I'm belting this song out as if this song was my life's calling.

I don't understand how that happens. I wouldn't want to be walking in Memphis today. I'm a pretty lazy guy, and too much walking makes me irritable, especially on days like today when I'm wearing flip-flops and not my good sneakers. And plus, I've never been to Memphis. Well, once, David Rebello and I drove through Memphis on our way to Little Rock, where we met a friend of mine at a Waffle House, but that's beside the point....